8:02 PM |
When I was younger I never really understood concept of thought. So I was always confused at little voice inside my head, actually, at that time time I believed it was my heart speaking to me, holding a conversation with my mind, I almost believed there were little people living inside my head and heart chatting like neighbours, and those were voices I heard.I never fully let go of that idea and belief until now.
You know at first after last sunday, I toyed with the idea of changing my blog address, or even taking it down entirely. I was that mortified at the thought of him reading my blog, having acess to my thoughts and emotions which is partly why I changed by blog address in the first place after the break. But then again if I really did change it or take it down, it would be as good as waving the white flag as though saying, You win. I back down because I'm scared and I will run.The thought is just so tempting, but the other half of me equally reasons that I shouldent give up or run just because of a minior hiccup, that part of me tells me I should be growing up and not running anymore like the child I am, that part of me is what keeps me from doing all the things I thought of, all the escape plans I've crafted, that part of me is why I refuse to do anything and just grit and bear it.
Sometimes I think what scares me most is my own thoughts and feelings.
Its funny how while most teenagers can't wait to grow up,I don't really want to, given a choice.Being called a teenager and everything just feels weird.Like a skin that dosent fit, though I may be fourteen and physically an adolosecent, I don't feel fourteen, much less a teenager. I feel as though as I havent grown at all, still getting obsessive silly crushes, still unable to control my emotions, still childish to extream and not to mention rash and impatient.And I like it that way, to feel like I can be a child forever, but most don't think so, and sometimes its gets to me quite a bit and I start reflecting a bit thinking maybe I should grow up.You can throw out the barbie dolls, you can take away playgrounds and afternoon naps, but you can never rid the child in me. That child who always wants the last say, that child who is called petty by Chris,that child who whines and cries when shes angry,because I have this gut feeling that that part of me will never grow up.
I've taken out the link. Just like you wanted me to.
go ahead lil girl.